How Do You Know

How Do You Know

IMDb: How Do You Know (2010)

How do you know when you’re about to waste two hours of your life? How do you know when you should walk out of a theater before a movie even starts?

Well, to be honest, if you watched the trailers, you wouldn’t know this movie was the rank, festering bowl movement it turned out to be. The normally mildly annoying Owen Wilson turns out to be the only funny thing in the movie and is heavily edited into the trailer to make it appear to be a comedy.

But it turns out this movie isn’t really a comedy. Every actor seems miscast (except Wilson), and they are all ultimately wasted by the pointless, vague plot and inane dialogue. No one was really trying here. They were all phoning it in.

James L. Brooks squeezed this turd out in exchange for a cool $10 million, so the only laughter you’ll hear associated with this movie is him chuckling all the way to the bank. The rest of the all-star cast seems to silently slink away with their paychecks, hoping we won’t remember they were in something so vile next time they decide to show their faces. All together they must have taken half of the nearly $130 million dollar budget.

…wait. What? 130 what? This thing only grossed $30 million. Now I normally don’t talk about budgets and numbers. That’s not what makes a good movie. But shit, $130 million dollars for a big name ensemble comedy is unheard of! They don’t even make blockbuster action movies for that much! Who the hell let this happen?

They could have made this movie for $10 million with up and coming actors and it might have worked out much better. Perhaps a micro-budget, shot-on-a-handycam approach would have been even better.

Nevermind. Since they shot the movie using an obviously ill-conceived first draft script, it should never have been made.

G.I. Joe

IMDb: G.I. Joe (2009)

Oh, yeah, I can smell this one a mile away.

One look at the cast photos gives this one away. Maybe it’s the smirks on the actor’s faces, or the surprisingly fake looking costumes–perhaps the clothing catalog poses.

As long as we have the director of The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, Van Helsing (and don’t forget Revenge of the Mummy: The Ride) on board, there should be nothing to fear, right?

The only thing that would make this movie good is if it was supposed to be stupid.

Village, The

IMDb: The Village (2004)

Have you ever left a movie and said to yourself, “There’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back”? That’s how I felt leaving the theater after sitting through this stupid movie. First off I’m not a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. I liked The Sixth Sense but I didn’t love it nor did I think it deserved any Oscar nominations. I was not a fan of Unbreakable at all, I liked Signs but it was nothing to rave about. So I went into this movie with very small expectations and I was still let down.

Let’s start with a quick overview. What seems like 19 century villagers won’t leave their small village because there are creatures out to get them. They can’t wear, see, or have any red around because that attracts the creatures. Okay, I can buy that. I like creatures just as much as the next person. But then through a series of events, a blind girl has to leave the village to go get medicine for the man she loves. It’s a great set up. She’s going to brave the woods and maybe fight some creatures. I like it.

Here’s where you lose me. Her Dad ends up telling her the truth, that there are no creatures and nothing to fear. NO creatures?!?! That sucks. Why are the older villagers telling everyone that there are creatures? What are they hiding? What’s the twist?

The twist is that at it’s actually modern day and not the 19th century like we were lead to believe. What?! What does this mean? Why are these people living like this? It turns out that a group of the older villagers were sick of the big bad world and decided to make their own perfect world.

Really? I mean really? This is the big twist? The big reveal? You must be kidding me. A bunch of friends lost loved ones and decided to live simpler lives. Are you kidding me?! And to keep people from going to explore the world, they tell them there are creatures out to get them. Can this get any worse? It’s too stupid to believe.

What makes it worse is that M. Night decided to give himself a cameo right at the pivotal part of the movie! It just makes me mad. The best part of the movie was the credits and now I know to never go see another M. Night movie ever again.