IMDb: Star Wars (1977)
Or completely jacked up edition.
I don’t need your comedic fighting robots or your goddamn digital jawas. I don’t want Jabba the Hut and I don’t want your stupid ringed explosions.
What was cool about the changes to this movie was the new effects they did on the spaceships. But when all said and done, what is the point really? Couldn’t we have saved all the new effects for the crappy prequels? In 1977, the old spaceships were amazing. So what’s wrong with them? If they change things like that now, where do you draw the line? Why don’t they just composite Owen Wilson in as Luke and Jessica Alba in as Leia? Hmmmm. Wait a minute, I might be on to something there…
Frame-fucking classic movies and re-doing all the effects is a morbid curiosity of omnipotent filmmakers these days. George Lucas was so caught up with whether on not he could, he never stopped and asked if he should.
IMDb: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Yep, that’s right. This is an AntiMovie.
But Indiana Jones is an icon, a god of cinema. How dare I? Easily.
Now don’t get me wrong, there are parts of this movie I love and will never forget. There are parts that truly belong in an Indiana Jones movie. But overall, they can’t save this movie. The Indy character was changed and new annoying characters were introduced. The opening of the movie says it all.
We see Kate Capshaw as Willie dancing around in a number fitting of a classic 30′s musical, then we see Indiana Jones use her as a bargaining chip to save his own life. That sours the whole thing right there. Indiana Jones is a scoundrel, but he’s not going to hide behind an innocent woman—no matter how annoying she is. Next we are introduced to an agrivating kid sidekick, Short Round. Sure this concept could have worked, but annoying kid sidekicks never really work, do they? Of course all three of these bastardized characters end up in a starving Indian villiage and must save the missing children. Remind me what this has to do with Indiana Jones again? This isn’t Indiana Jones and the Red Cross. We want action and amazement, not some bullshit social commentary and guilt trip.
The makers wanted to tell a darker Indiana Jones tale without Nazis, so they used recycled sequences cut from Raiders of the Lost Ark, took his gun away and clipped his balls. (At one point he is torturing and about to kill Willie and he is beating Short Round. That’s no hero.) Not to mention the film was set in 1935—before Raiders.
It looks like George Lucas has been making shitty prequels since the 80′s.
IMDb: Wild Wild West (1999)
This movie saddens me. It saddens me when the heart of a great idea is eaten away from the inside like worms in an apple. The original The Wild Wild West television show was an amazing idea. Secret agents of the Old West with advanced technology battling evil geniuses with equally advanced technology—amazing. It had a purpose and was a novel idea. It was James Bond-Sci-Fi-Cowboys! How can you miss?
Well, if you watch the show and then watch this stinky piece of crap movie, you will know how you can miss.
Giant mechanical spider. These three words should be the begining of something truly wonderful, but in this case, they are yet another example of Hollywood crapping on us when we go to watch their movies.