IMDb: The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Christ…I had the misfortune of watching this film. In the theater. Some children were present.
If they were my kids, I would have ushered them away immediately to spare their innocent souls.
Instead I stayed through the whole 82 minutes—I was captivated by the shittiness. It was like watching someone riding a bull. You know they’re falling off, you just don’t know how many times they’re getting their nuts stomped on before the rodeo clowns drag their carcass out of the ring. The only trouble is, when you watch this movie, you’re the bull rider.
How many sex jokes could they cram into this “children’s movie?” Why was Paris Hilton in this movie? How the fuck was this movie ever made?
All these questions and more—never to be answered.
IMDb: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Feeling he hadn’t screwed these movies up enough, George Lucas decided to take a machete to Return of the Jedi back in 1997. The band in Jabba’s palace was enhanced digitally (R.I.P. puppet Sy Snootles) and they are made to play a new song. Jedi Rocks I believe it is called… Are you shitting me?! Why? Why did he feel compelled? The old song was cool. It’s what a bunch of scummy-looking puppets should be playing. Not to mention, the original song sounded alien and different. The new one sounds like some retarded top 40 trash.
Not to be out done by the first attempt, the second Death Star’s explosion is even ‘ringier.’ Well, goddamn. Ever since the early 90’s with Star Trek VI, I don’t think I would accept it as an explosion unless it was accompanied by some nonsensical shockwave ring.
The end becomes an abomination worse than the original release. I always thought the Ewoks were a cutesie cop-out and their musical number at the end of the movie made me shutter. However, a way was found to make all of this more ridiculous. At least the original song made sense and however stupid it was, it was well produced. The replacement sounds like they picked a track from some “World Music” sampler CD in the dollar bin at Sam Goody.
And after all is said and done, I can easily imagine a day when all the original Star Wars films are remade to the point when they are no longer recognizable. There will be nothing left but the hyper-chromatic orgy of cartoon-like animated pixels dancing across the screen—but this time in 3D!
IMDb: Meet the Spartans (2008)
This AntiMovie has already been thoroughly lambasted here. So I will save you the gory details.
Now let us never speak of it again.